Everything except her actual name

What do you call your baby? I assumed that I’d usually refer to my daughter by her name, but four months on it seems that’s not the case. And so here are the top five names we’ve used – none of which, obviously, is her actual name.

Fifth place: “Little Goblin”
A strong contender during the first two months, but fell out of use once she put on weight. She just looked so funny as a newborn – all round stomach and big eyes and spindly arms with little grasping hands. I was just waiting for some one to give her some green glass beads.

Fourth place: “The Baby”
I’m sorry. We have no imagination. It’s amazing how often we use this though.

Third place: “Monkey”
All babies are monkeys. It’s the special smile they have. Also the way they want to cling on to you at all times. If only I could work out how to feed her and carry her at the same time…

Second place: “Screamy McScreamFace”
Also Bitey McBiteFace and Sicky McSickFace. And someone with a slightly older baby said that not only do they also use these names, but they also combine them, such as Screamy McBiteFace. New parents, I give you the mix and match of names.

First place: “Podgemonster”
Occasionally embellished to become “The Fat Little Podgemonster” or “This Little Piglet Of A Podgemonster”. Because, frankly, it’s an accurate description of her. She’s shot up the centiles and acquired some impressive rolls of fat. She’s practically spherical.

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